Happy Halloween...Dickhead.
Yea, so it's Halloween. Super excited. Best time of the year, in my opinion. I always thought I was weird because I was the only kid I knew who's favorite holiday was Halloween growing up. Turns out I was the only cool kid I knew and totally fit in now that I'm older. Life's funny. This year I spent a lot of time watching horror movies on TV, I mean a lot more than any other year. They're on 24/7 anyways, so don't judge me. While watching Children of the Corn one lazy Sunday afternoon my roommate inspired me to make this list. The one I'm about to write that is.
You see one of my biggest annoyances about people (people being my number one annoyance) is when they take something out of context and relate it to their own life. Specifically when they do this during movies, even more specifically scary movies. And don't lie to me because you know you've done it. It's OK, everybody jerks off sometimes. Just know that I hate you. What I mean by this out-of-context-relation-to-the-real-world situation is when you're watching a great scary movie and something horrible happens (as it usually does) and some asshole comments "Gee, why don't they just..." or "That's dumb, I would have..." or whatever ignorant observation they are about to make. STOP. Please, just SHUT UP. No one cares about what you would have done. If I did then I would drive myself to the movie theater, stand in line with a bunch of douchebags and pay eight bucks for a ticket, walk in, stand in line for fucking five dollar popcorn and go grab myself a seat right in the front row. And then I would just watch. I would just study what you would do if a toy doll possessed will the soul of a serial killer was after your body, or if a monster named Freddy was chasing you everytime you fell asleep, or if you were away at camp with all your best friends and they started being murdered one by one right in front of your eyes. Yea, I bet whatever your rational plan of action was you would be able to carry it out effectively and efficiently, even in any of those high-stress circumstances. You wouldn't even have a scratch on you.
I have to share this information for you to understand where this list is coming from. I'm counting down the scariest and best monters/killers/children/mobile deceased/hellraisers according to me (of course). This might not be exactly what I would do if I was in these movies (because I would probably just shit my pants), but let's give it a shot. OK, ready, GO!
Poltergeist
I think I would probably stroll out my house around the corner and move into a newer, nicer house down the street. No, no... across the country.
Children of the Corn
As Nikki said, "He's not even jogging. He's walking briskly." There it is: walk with a purpose. Watch out for corn roots, or something.
The Exorcist
In this case I believe I would walk to the nearest realtor and find a new place to live. Then to the orphanage to adopt another child.
Psycho
Hmmm, a number of things went wrong in this film and I feel had I met Norman Bates I would have sleep in my car (preferrably far, far away from any swamps), probably driven away early that morning.
A Nightmare on Elm Street
Besides being in a constant state of wet bed sheets, I would jog around my nightmare like there was no tomorrow, because, shit. There might not be. No reason to run though. I'm gonna be there for awhile. I'll jog to keep up my endurance.
Friday the 13th
There's nothing really else to do at Crystal Lake, but hike. That's the only to survive: be prepared. Hiking boots, fanny pack, water bottle, band-aids, sweat bands, sunscreen....assuming you make it to morning.
Child's Play
It seems to me in the case the best offense is a good defense. Chucky is short, so therefore I would probably climb up something very high and chill. But he can probably climb like a cat, so I would destroy my path and get a long, strong stick to hit him with and keep him at bay. I'd also probably die.
Night of the Living Dead
You're probably going to become your neighbor's dinner just so you can enjoy the zombie madness. I mean, who doesn't want to get eaten alive? The best way to survive in my mind can only be summed up into one word: whisk. You're going to have to be graceful and crafty to avoid EVERY zombie that's coming at you. Because there's a lot of 'em, you know? No tripping, no flat tires, no wrong turns, no dead ends. You'll need a up-to-date map and a local to make sure you're going the right way. You're only advantage here is the fact that you have a brain; it will also be your downfall.
Hellraiser
The title of this movie explains the situation quite accurately and the best way to avoid bully Pinhead and his gang is to run. Run like H-E double hockey sticks. Pinhead will wait. He has an eternity.
Halloween
This Halloween sucks. Usually you're out trick-or-treating, partying all night, getting drunk, going to work hung over the next day, and this Halloween your fucking older brother is stalking you with a kitchen knife. I mean, seriously! All you can do is change your last name and sprint like crazy to a foster home and hope Michael mistakes one of your friends for you.
And let's not forget the scariest of them all...Leatherface!
There's not much you can do to avoid that. That sort of damage is done between the ages of 1 and 18. When you're fucked, you're fucked.
You see one of my biggest annoyances about people (people being my number one annoyance) is when they take something out of context and relate it to their own life. Specifically when they do this during movies, even more specifically scary movies. And don't lie to me because you know you've done it. It's OK, everybody jerks off sometimes. Just know that I hate you. What I mean by this out-of-context-relation-to-the-real-world situation is when you're watching a great scary movie and something horrible happens (as it usually does) and some asshole comments "Gee, why don't they just..." or "That's dumb, I would have..." or whatever ignorant observation they are about to make. STOP. Please, just SHUT UP. No one cares about what you would have done. If I did then I would drive myself to the movie theater, stand in line with a bunch of douchebags and pay eight bucks for a ticket, walk in, stand in line for fucking five dollar popcorn and go grab myself a seat right in the front row. And then I would just watch. I would just study what you would do if a toy doll possessed will the soul of a serial killer was after your body, or if a monster named Freddy was chasing you everytime you fell asleep, or if you were away at camp with all your best friends and they started being murdered one by one right in front of your eyes. Yea, I bet whatever your rational plan of action was you would be able to carry it out effectively and efficiently, even in any of those high-stress circumstances. You wouldn't even have a scratch on you.
I have to share this information for you to understand where this list is coming from. I'm counting down the scariest and best monters/killers/children/mobile deceased/hellraisers according to me (of course). This might not be exactly what I would do if I was in these movies (because I would probably just shit my pants), but let's give it a shot. OK, ready, GO!
Poltergeist
I think I would probably stroll out my house around the corner and move into a newer, nicer house down the street. No, no... across the country.
Children of the Corn
As Nikki said, "He's not even jogging. He's walking briskly." There it is: walk with a purpose. Watch out for corn roots, or something.
The Exorcist
In this case I believe I would walk to the nearest realtor and find a new place to live. Then to the orphanage to adopt another child.
Psycho
Hmmm, a number of things went wrong in this film and I feel had I met Norman Bates I would have sleep in my car (preferrably far, far away from any swamps), probably driven away early that morning.
A Nightmare on Elm Street
Besides being in a constant state of wet bed sheets, I would jog around my nightmare like there was no tomorrow, because, shit. There might not be. No reason to run though. I'm gonna be there for awhile. I'll jog to keep up my endurance.
Friday the 13th
There's nothing really else to do at Crystal Lake, but hike. That's the only to survive: be prepared. Hiking boots, fanny pack, water bottle, band-aids, sweat bands, sunscreen....assuming you make it to morning.
Child's Play
It seems to me in the case the best offense is a good defense. Chucky is short, so therefore I would probably climb up something very high and chill. But he can probably climb like a cat, so I would destroy my path and get a long, strong stick to hit him with and keep him at bay. I'd also probably die.
Night of the Living Dead
You're probably going to become your neighbor's dinner just so you can enjoy the zombie madness. I mean, who doesn't want to get eaten alive? The best way to survive in my mind can only be summed up into one word: whisk. You're going to have to be graceful and crafty to avoid EVERY zombie that's coming at you. Because there's a lot of 'em, you know? No tripping, no flat tires, no wrong turns, no dead ends. You'll need a up-to-date map and a local to make sure you're going the right way. You're only advantage here is the fact that you have a brain; it will also be your downfall.
Hellraiser
The title of this movie explains the situation quite accurately and the best way to avoid bully Pinhead and his gang is to run. Run like H-E double hockey sticks. Pinhead will wait. He has an eternity.
Halloween
This Halloween sucks. Usually you're out trick-or-treating, partying all night, getting drunk, going to work hung over the next day, and this Halloween your fucking older brother is stalking you with a kitchen knife. I mean, seriously! All you can do is change your last name and sprint like crazy to a foster home and hope Michael mistakes one of your friends for you.
And let's not forget the scariest of them all...Leatherface!
There's not much you can do to avoid that. That sort of damage is done between the ages of 1 and 18. When you're fucked, you're fucked.
posted by girl. at 7:37 PM
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